When I was in the height of marathon training, I would often envision what role running would play in my life come December. I figured I would still be in the glow of a successful marathon and feel rather quite accomplished. I would no doubt still be running, but there would be a smugness about my daily workouts. I had accomplished my goals, and the rest would be extra.

This has been an excellent year for me and running—me pushing myself harder than ever and feeling more and more like a real runner because of it, but not so for racing. I had two smaller races that were mostly for fun, and the two that I really cared about, a half and a full, were tainted with big expectations and big blow ups. In both the Chicago Spring Half and the Twin Cities Marathon, I knew my fitness was greater than what the time indicates, but both were huge disappointments. In each race, I felt like my mind gave up on me way before my body did.

After TC, I was eager to race again. I had thought about doing something this year yet, but with school and work, I decided to take the rest of the season to reset. I would definitely be back for a spring marathon and who knows what else.

As the weeks have passed since the marathon, I am running pretty consistently. I try to get at least 25 miles in a week and fit in runs the best I can. Mostly, I try to run with my neighborhood running group, specifically during long run Sundays. I haven’t done any speed work, but I’ve run with some faster people at times that helps get my heart going.

I am registered for the F3 Half Marathon, and which will only be my third ever. At times, I get excited and amped about going hard in that race and hopefully breaking two hours. Other times, though, I think about what kind of pacing strategy that would take, and the subsequent work, and I just don’t have the heart to chase after such a goal.

The race is in two months, and I don’t have a training plan picked out. I am not sure I am even going to do one. Because this race is on Chicago’s lakefront in January, conditions are unpredictable and chasing PRs come with a warning sign. Still, I am not sure what I can give to training for this other than the current running I am doing.

When I start to think about spring race plans, nothing really excites me. I had thought about doing a May marathon back in the town where I went to college, as a chance to run those streets again. Or, going a bit longer and running a 50K trail race that is less trail and more bridled path. But race fees, training logistics, and all the hours needed to get to the start line have drained any enthusiasm.

Some days, just getting out the door is hard. The last run I did, two days ago for three miles, I hated every step and couldn’t wait for it to be over. But then when I take days off, like today, I feel bad about not running and am jealous of those who did go out. I watch others have great runs on Strava, and wish that I could have that same joy, distance, and speed, but not enough to go out and try. It’s like I can’t win.

Going into the summer, my only goal was to run as much as I could and enjoy every bit of the training process. Now, I just want to get back to a place where running doesn’t feel like a chore.

It probably sounds like I am burned out, which I am, but I am also uninterested in taking a week or two off. My anxiety is too high for that, and I need the release. Plus, it’s the holidays, and I enjoying going out early before celebrations. My only running goal right now is to complete a streak—from Thanksgiving to New Years—but I don’t know if running every day is really going to make me want to run all the races and suddenly feel amped up to go after goals.

Right now, I haven’t made any solid running plans because I am still unsure what my spring semester is going to look like, but regardless, I can’t have the same training cycle as I did for TC. I don’t have the time or the motivation for that.

I guess what I want is to run. Run because it makes me feel me, because there is not another way I would want to spend that hour of a day. I think I need to start setting better boundaries with why and how I run, and hopefully then I will find that joy. I know can feel love and excitement for running each day, but at least I want to feel that purpose again.